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flowsoffireTitle: Here to relive your darkest moments
Author: flowsoffire
Fandom: Doctor Who
Pairing/characters: Eleven, River
Genre: Romance/Drama
Rating: K+
Word count: c. 600
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Summary: Eleven comes back where River Song saved him, and where he saved her. /Library fic, set after the mini episode Last Night. An anti fix-it of sorts.
Author's note: This piece is set directly after the mini episode Last Night, so you might not get it all if you haven't seen that. Title is a line from the gorgeous song Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine—really fitting lyrics. Enjoy, hopefully =)
He is, almost definitely, a moron for coming here.
He has places to be, and things to think of. Just last night he took his wife to see the stars, the brightest sky in the universe. He ought to be revelling in the memories, shivering in the newness of it all. Instead he focuses on two lines from his future and an ache from his past, on the shadows in the eyes of a him who wore a new haircut and a suit. Still—to actually come back is going quite far in humouring his masochistic side.
He is pretty sure that where she is now, the stars don't shine as real.
Now, but what is now? That is nonsense in so many timey-wimey ways, he ponders as he runs a finger slowly along one shelf, knowing the lack of dust there and the crowds of people with hushed voices are all their doing. There will always be a now, somewhere, sometime, in which River Song jumps off someplace high and expects him to catch her. And she will also forever and ever be trapped in a memory where there might just be nowhere to fall from. It is the way it is.
The computer. The database, that is his reason for coming here, really. For he has known always that she had died for him, but hadn't yet, but would. Last night were merely the shock of coming face to face, too early in his timeline, with that moment of saying goodbye; hell, even that pained him might just have run into a younger her the next day, one that would mock his shock and not want to kiss him yet, perhaps… Still, the doubt is awakened, and nags mercilessly, drawing him all the way here. Seeing her so free, and knowing what's coming, leaves him no choice. He has to know how he saved her, or what he condemned her to.
His fingers dance over the computer's keys, now. The memory is immense, once holding so many people—all of them saved, no survivors. She is there somewhere, a secret, shielded and folded in CAL's dream. Does she remember him, he wonders—or has he been stolen from the forefront of her mind, like he once was from Donna's, so she could enjoy a content family life? River Song without her memories—the idea is wrong, yet possible, and it chills him to the bone. But isn't it selfish, to hope that he exists for her still? Would she be happy, kept forever without him and knowing it?
He cannot let go of his worries like he couldn't let go of her, surrendering her to the unknown when they'd only just met—but he knows that the hard drive won't give him an answer, even as he shoves and sonics it. He isn't hoping to see her or talk to her. He knows better than that, and still he had to come—
"Good morning. I am Courtesy Node eight two seven slash aqua. How may I help you?"
His sonic clatters to the floor. He whirls around and stands frozen, transfixed, staring at her face staring back at him. Her stone face, supremely calm, voice level and rid of the passion and playfulness that usually never leave her, when she's with him. Her forever, faraway face.
"River?" he gasps.
The statue doesn't blink. The statue doesn't shift its features in recognition.
"Your request has not been recognized. Do you wish to start a search in the database?" she inquires pleasantly.
The silence rings harshly between them—between him and it.
"No," he says eventually. He picks up the screwdriver before rushing away, hardly seeing where he's going. The memories that fill this place hold no mercy for him, as he should have known. What is lost remains lost.
He sets the TARDIS coordinates to Stormcage, and rubs his eyes dry with a fury.
Author: flowsoffire
Fandom: Doctor Who
Pairing/characters: Eleven, River
Genre: Romance/Drama
Rating: K+
Word count: c. 600
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Summary: Eleven comes back where River Song saved him, and where he saved her. /Library fic, set after the mini episode Last Night. An anti fix-it of sorts.
Author's note: This piece is set directly after the mini episode Last Night, so you might not get it all if you haven't seen that. Title is a line from the gorgeous song Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine—really fitting lyrics. Enjoy, hopefully =)
He is, almost definitely, a moron for coming here.
He has places to be, and things to think of. Just last night he took his wife to see the stars, the brightest sky in the universe. He ought to be revelling in the memories, shivering in the newness of it all. Instead he focuses on two lines from his future and an ache from his past, on the shadows in the eyes of a him who wore a new haircut and a suit. Still—to actually come back is going quite far in humouring his masochistic side.
He is pretty sure that where she is now, the stars don't shine as real.
Now, but what is now? That is nonsense in so many timey-wimey ways, he ponders as he runs a finger slowly along one shelf, knowing the lack of dust there and the crowds of people with hushed voices are all their doing. There will always be a now, somewhere, sometime, in which River Song jumps off someplace high and expects him to catch her. And she will also forever and ever be trapped in a memory where there might just be nowhere to fall from. It is the way it is.
The computer. The database, that is his reason for coming here, really. For he has known always that she had died for him, but hadn't yet, but would. Last night were merely the shock of coming face to face, too early in his timeline, with that moment of saying goodbye; hell, even that pained him might just have run into a younger her the next day, one that would mock his shock and not want to kiss him yet, perhaps… Still, the doubt is awakened, and nags mercilessly, drawing him all the way here. Seeing her so free, and knowing what's coming, leaves him no choice. He has to know how he saved her, or what he condemned her to.
His fingers dance over the computer's keys, now. The memory is immense, once holding so many people—all of them saved, no survivors. She is there somewhere, a secret, shielded and folded in CAL's dream. Does she remember him, he wonders—or has he been stolen from the forefront of her mind, like he once was from Donna's, so she could enjoy a content family life? River Song without her memories—the idea is wrong, yet possible, and it chills him to the bone. But isn't it selfish, to hope that he exists for her still? Would she be happy, kept forever without him and knowing it?
He cannot let go of his worries like he couldn't let go of her, surrendering her to the unknown when they'd only just met—but he knows that the hard drive won't give him an answer, even as he shoves and sonics it. He isn't hoping to see her or talk to her. He knows better than that, and still he had to come—
"Good morning. I am Courtesy Node eight two seven slash aqua. How may I help you?"
His sonic clatters to the floor. He whirls around and stands frozen, transfixed, staring at her face staring back at him. Her stone face, supremely calm, voice level and rid of the passion and playfulness that usually never leave her, when she's with him. Her forever, faraway face.
"River?" he gasps.
The statue doesn't blink. The statue doesn't shift its features in recognition.
"Your request has not been recognized. Do you wish to start a search in the database?" she inquires pleasantly.
The silence rings harshly between them—between him and it.
"No," he says eventually. He picks up the screwdriver before rushing away, hardly seeing where he's going. The memories that fill this place hold no mercy for him, as he should have known. What is lost remains lost.
He sets the TARDIS coordinates to Stormcage, and rubs his eyes dry with a fury.
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no subject
Date: 2013-03-27 09:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-27 09:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-27 09:21 pm (UTC)Of course, he is fundamentally selfish. Especially when it comes to River. He really is proud of her being created to fight him, because it means he is feared and respected. Likewise he is proud of the fact his wife will forever remain in the biggest library of the Universe to tell his story. He is not immortal, yet with her trapped in the Library he'll always be remembered.
Also his acknowledging there is a chance for her not to be happy in the data base is perfect. As viewers more or less aware of River's story, we know she couldn't be happy in such a place. Yet Ten acts as if it really is Heaven, after spending the whole episode repeating 'Dying gives us size' or 'footprints on the beach'. That puzzles me.
Moffat, what are you doing? I really hope he goes for a scene like yours. Heartbreaking, but so right.
My sadistic heart should have seen it coming. It's perfect. The last line is so beautiful. I'll never understand those 'how to write' memes where alliterations are banned; they are so powerful.
Your ability to 'get' canon is quite impressive. The scenes you write would fit so perfectly in the show. Because there is no way Moffat will dare to save River from the Library -says the girl who manages to write both a library fix-it and a meta claiming how fitting it is for River to end in the Library...
no subject
Date: 2013-03-28 04:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-28 08:38 pm (UTC)Of course, he is fundamentally selfish. Especially when it comes to River. He really is proud of her being created to fight him, because it means he is feared and respected. Likewise he is proud of the fact his wife will forever remain in the biggest library of the Universe to tell his story. He is not immortal, yet with her trapped in the Library he'll always be remembered.
I hadn't seen it that way at all, but that's a very interesting possibility… That's all on a subconscious level, but it makes sense.
As viewers more or less aware of River's story, we know she couldn't be happy in such a place.
This. Also, I can't picture River taking care of children—occasionally, yes, but settling down, being the gorgeous woman in white who tells the bedside stories? Um… Not buying it. (And not buying babyfics either, but that's another debate entirely.)
Yet Ten acts as if it really is Heaven after spending the whole episode repeating 'Dying gives us size' or 'footprints on the beach'. That puzzles me. Moffat, what are you doing?
I'd say it was Moffat, more than Ten… I might be wrong, but from my memories of the episode we're shown how green, beautiful, wondrous everything is in the computer, how all of River's friends are here, alive, magically saved (how did the ones killed by the Vashta Nerada get in the database again?), how happy and smiling and hugging everyone is, and how she kisses the children goodnight and awwww. That's all images from inside the computer—Ten is hyper from his realization, begs her to hold on long enough for him to save her, but I don't remember seeing him give a second thought to exactly what her life in there would be. He doesn't know her at all yet, so he can't give a thought to what she would want—and like River herself said in the narrative, he might very well give beautiful phrases about death, but at the end of the day, he never accepts it…
I really hope he goes for a scene like yours. Heartbreaking, but so right.
I don't really know what to hope for when River's closure is concerned. I WANT her to have a proper closure in the show, but I'm scared of what Moffat might do with it… And I can't really imagine Darillium on screen, for instance. I'm not sure why… Anyway, I entirely agree with you—I want it to be tragic! He already basically dropped the back-to-front storyline, or at the very least he's not really going through with it…
My sadistic heart should have seen it coming.
I'd actually prepared a longer summary line before, that mentioned the face of stone, blah blah (I always want summaries to sound pretty, but they rarely work…)—but on second thought I went with something shorter and soberer, because I didn't want to spoil that part ;) I figured that if you took away that twist, well, the story was just a bit of pretty-ish prose, but having Eleven in the Library at all became pointless.
I'll never understand those 'how to write' memes where alliterations are banned; they are so powerful.
I LOVE alliterations—they can be overdone, I suppose, but as a general rule they can make stuff sound just amazing :)
Because there is no way Moffat will dare to save River from the Library
Gosh, he'd BETTER NOT! I'm hoping his tragic side will win over his temptation to be nice to one of his favourite characters… Really, he can't begin her story with her death and then go back on it. That's just… lolnoplease.
-says the girl who manages to write both a library fix-it and a meta claiming how fitting it is for River to end in the Library...
Paradoxes make people interesting… ;)
no subject
Date: 2013-03-28 08:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-30 12:42 am (UTC)You're completely right. Ten is strangely off by the end of the episode, because he doesn't really know what kind of afterlife he offered her. Some read her end as a Gallifreyan 'burial' in the Matrix, but if Eleven was aware of her Time Lordiness, Ten certainly wasn't. I really like what you wrote about him giving beautiful speeches about death without accepting it. He has his Montaigne side, hasn't he?
This, all of THIS. I am so afraid Moffat will give her a rushed send-off -I know he is her biggest fan but he would want to explore new possibilities, especially with the new girl in town, the show format is short. I hate and love him for creating a character as complex and fascinating as River as a SECOND CHARACTER in a TV-show about a rather showy and egotistical alien ( whom I love though). And Darillium, I know he said we would see it, yet I fear it is like some excerpts of a book you know will never live up to your expectations when put on screen.
It was perfect.
no subject
Date: 2013-04-02 07:42 pm (UTC)Yeah—at the end of the day, he didn't really know what he had done. Because in fact, he put together the clues with what his future self, Eleven, had done—leaving the screwdriver. He understood what he had meant to do, and automatically carried out the plan, but /he/ didn't have the time to think it through, it all happened too fast. So the responsibility was really Eleven's… "All these years to think of a way to save her…" But also think of the consequences. Well, I suppose that actually, one version of Eleven thought up that plan, and gave River the screwdriver, thus prompting Ten to save her and thus changing his own timestream—as soon as Ten saved her, it became a /fact/, and Eleven couldn't question it anymore: having already lost her, he couldn't relinquish the little he'd managed to save… He couldn't IMAGINE not giving her that screwdriver. Out the window go the consequences!
Some read her end as a Gallifreyan 'burial' in the Matrix, but if Eleven was aware of her Time Lordiness, Ten certainly wasn't.
That's a beautiful parallel (I didn't know about the Matrix before, I'm not familiar with many of the stuff from old!Who…), but I'd say it's fans wishful thinking… ;)
I am so afraid Moffat will give her a rushed send-off -I know he is her biggest fan but he would want to explore new possibilities, especially with the new girl in town, the show format is short.
Yeah… Especially if there's a regeneration sometime in the near future… He doesn't really have a choice, either he's got plans for the two of them, or he'll have to let her go. He just can't make her pop in when the fancy strikes him, because he can, and with no specific relevance. She's too big for that. For now there's Trenzalore, but after that…
I really want to see Clara and River interact, honestly. The new girl and the wife, together as an epic team ;) At least she'll be in the finale for sure! Let's be optimistic—RIVER WILL GET WHAT SHE DESERVES… Well… Close enough.
I hate and love him for creating a character as complex and fascinating as River as a SECOND CHARACTER in a TV-show about a rather showy and egotistical alien ( whom I love though).
Yes! Well, the show does need characters like this—it's refreshing when it's not all about the Doctor. Still, he lacks room to give her all the development she should get… And should he try too hard, the half of the fandom that dislikes her would throw a fit =X (Well, I wouldn't know if it's half—but as a general rule, either you love River or you're annoyed with her, from what I've seen.)
And Darillium, I know he said we would see it, yet I fear it is like some excerpts of a book you know will never live up to your expectations when put on screen.
He did??? Oh my… But yeah, I agree with you… Aw, OTP anxiety. *chews lip worriedly*
no subject
Date: 2013-04-17 02:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-04-17 07:31 am (UTC)